I, the mountaineer, with a thousand mountains in front of me… all challenging me to reach the peak, and dig my flag in and stand in the glory. I search for the peak that’ll call out to me, to make home, to settle down and enjoy the view… watch all the other peaks calling out to me, and yet smile away the challenge they throw at me. If I find this peak, I’ll never need to climb another mountain again.

Till I get there, though, what about the peaks I’ve already reached, and left behind? Baring themselves to me while I’ve climbed, and I may never return to these mountains again. Selfish me? Or am I just searching for my own special place, my own special peak? What’s allowed, conscientiously?

Stand in the sunlight,
And still I’d feel cold
Walk into a crowded room,
And still I’m alone
Outshined by the blackest black
Outranked by a peon
Under the golden yellow sun
I’m looking for the moon
I’m feeling… outshined?

No more!
Time to fight back
Phoenix, rise again!
From ashes to life
The fire has returned
The flame’s still burning
I’m still standing here
Alive, unrelenting.

Black as the night. Black as the thoughts in my head, flitting around like butterflies… chasing them away. I lie in bed, awake, head on my salty pillow, and think about you. It’s not appropriate… it’s not likely to happen… it’ll never happen. Black and white are imcompatible… some things never change.

Again tonight, I think I’ll cry myself to sleep… in the darkness, I think I’ll dream about your face, I think I’ll think about about your smile, and how it would be if you’d smile at me all the time, forever. What should I do… what can I do to make you like me?

Maybe I’ll cut myself and end up in a hospital,
Maybe you’ll see me then.
Maybe I’ll die or disappear completely,
Maybe you’ll think of me then.

Or maybe, no matter what I do, nothing will change… I’ll always be in the background, just another ordinary boy. You’re not like any of the other girls, but I’m just like every other boy. I don’t stand a chance… some things never change.

They’re asking these questions
So many questions
Drive me insane
Must I answer all?

What do I do
If it’s my turn next?
Where do I hide my scars?
Where do I hide my pain?

What about these tasks?
Dare me?
I can’t feel myself
Numb from the fear

The secrets I keep
The things I can’t do
Oh, how will I fare?
In this ‘Truth or Dare’?

————

Poem for Marc Gagnon, written in less than 5 minutes, as a dare.